Genesis Pt. 4
The Story of Abraham Pt. 2
Last we saw our hero, he was havin' a grand ole time killing lots of Elamites! After the battle he gave the King of Sodom back all his subjects, and there was much rejoicing. God, being the bro of bros, came down to Abram and told him, "You man, you is gonna get ALL THE LAND and have ALL THE CHIDRUNS." to which Abram responded by giving God the most righteous of HIGH-FIVES. But after ten years of living in Canaan, Sarai and Abram were becoming distressed because they still weren't making any babies. Since it was OBVIOUSLY the woman's fault, Sarai was all like "Hey Abram, why not have sexy time with this lovely servant lady?"
And although Abram was reluctant at first, eventually he agreed to make sweet, sweet love to the sexy servant lady, as it was his FATHERLY DUTY. After the deed was done, Sarai changed her mind on the whole "sexy time with the servant lady" thing. But, she came to the unfortunate realization that time machines hadn't been invented yet. After a heated confrontation with Sarai, sexy servant lady(whose name happened to be Hagar) fled to Shur. But on her way there, she spotted God in a well and she was all like," Yo God, what you doing in that well?"
And God was all like,"I just be chillin. Oh and BTW, go back Abram you silly person becuase you son (and I quote this one straight from the Bible) shall be a wild ass of a man."
"OMG RLY??? D:" Hagar responded. And back to Abram and Sarai she went. And Abram had his first born son, Ishmael at the ripe, young age of 86.
God once again visited Abram. Abram was all like,"Hey there God. What chu want?"
And God proclaimed,"ABRAM IS A STUPID NAME. AND SO IS SARAI. FROM NOW ON YOU SHALL BE ABRAHAM AND SARAH."
Abraham was a little pissed about the change at first, but it was nothing compared to what God said next.
"Oh, and you know that flap of skin on your junk? Yeah well...... I kinda want you to snip it off. AND THAT GOES FOR EVERY MAN."
It was at this point that Abraham realized he was dealing with a sadist. But, he was an all-powerful godly sadist. So it was best that he do what the man said. And for the next week, every man in the middle east could not walk correctly due to the constant pain inflicting their crotches. The groaning coming from all these people was so loud that God had to lock the Earth in his cellar just so he wouldn't have to hear the awful noise.
A few weeks later, after all the sore crotches had gone away, three of God's bros came down to visit Abraham. For them, Abraham prepared a tasty meal. As they ate, one of the bros explained that upon his return the following year, Sarah would have a son. Sarah overheard this and scoffed at such an idea. Then the angel was all like,"WOMAN, IF GOD WANTED HE COULD TURN YOU INTO A BABY FIRING MACHINE GUN!" Sarah was confused by what this "machine gun" was, but understood that it probably meant a lot of babies.
What was next for Abraham? Find out in the final part of Abraham, coming soon!
